In the great movie of that name, two men hide out in corsets and a women’s jazz band. Poor Tony Curtis becomes Marilyn Monroe’s best girlfriend while also pretending to be a rich playboy who just can’t seem to get aroused. Marilyn, instead of finding the rich playboy she wanted, gets love instead. On the other hand, Tony’s sidekick (played by Jack Lemmon) gets propositioned by a genuine oil tycoon. The film ends by the tycoon being told, «But I’m a man!» To which, in the tradition of true love, the tycoon responds, «Nobody’s perfect!»
The film is a perfect satire of conflicting male and female stereotypes. Money is the linchpin that provides the motivation for most of the relationships: how much does having money matter in the dating game? Ben Franklin’s equation for night or day love is alive and well in the age of Joe Millionaire. Both examples teach that money can’t buy love—or respect.
Interestingly, Comedian Jay Leno said that the television character, Joe Millionaire, was having trouble finding a date. He feels that it’s hard to know whether women want to date him, or «the guy from the show.» Leno shook his head: «It’s the same guy.» So a lot of people you’ll date these days will have problems separating their broadcast appearance form the real thing.
Respect is front-loaded in dating relationships. Respect is the foundation for a long-term dating relationship.
It’s just simply as important to respect personal property, including money, as someone’s opinions. Successful dating is generally about respect for the person herself and not the person’s things.
When first dating, both parties need to understand, i.e., to r-e-s-p-e-c-t that the other person is voluntarily giving something material that they probably worked hard for. And it’s not useful to simply expect things to be handed over based on general stereotypes of «But I’m a man (or woman)!»
Here’s a true-story test for you. A lady working in customer service buys a new outfit with a matching handbag and shoes. She’s wanted to go out with this guy on the 12th floor of her apartment building for months. So she spends almost $300 and puts it on her credit card: the one she got right after getting out of college. The card that still has a balance from 2001. She wants to look her best.
Enter her date. He shows up in a loose not-so-nice sweater and faded khakis: cost $25. Her reaction: priceless. The respect he shows her property? You do that math. HINT: the total involves a negative number. Was the big first date ruined? Yes. Or, no. The girl’s idea of showing her respect settled the issue.
In criminal law, lawyers love to ask: What was the motivation? The crime in this scenario may be two good people who just didn’t stop to respect the investment the other party was making. In the real-life story, it turned out badly. The lady was a friend of mine who was crushed by the guy’s cavalier approach to the evening. With tears in her eyes, she said to me, «All he had to do was get a tie…do something, anything, to show me that he wanted to say WOW, you look great. Sorry I didn’t dress better. But he just brushed it off.»
I recently read an advice column on the Web that gave girls clues on whether they had a keeper or a creeper «cheapskate» date. The column said that (let’s call her ‘Sally’) «rightly feels» that she deserves to be «pampered.» That may be popular advice, but it’s foolish advice. A clue to this fact is that Sally said that she was «always» getting this kind of cheap guy.
This isn’t to pick on the distaff side. Clearly, mastiff men seem to be finishing eighth in a seven-horse field when it comes to being generous. It shouldn’t be up to women to force men to be more sharing.
But if you’re the one always getting the same cheapskate treatment, that’s a clue. «Always» means the problem is in the mirror and not the mate.
Instead of focusing on measuring her treatment by the amount of money, Sally should have evaluated the clear evidence of simple lack of respect. By concentrating on money, she never gets to the real root of the problem. She’d be better off with someone who respects her opinion rather than have money. Men instinctively hoard, and Sally’s men probably sense her desire for them to spend. It becomes an emotional game for her that she will go on repeating and repeating.
The bottom line is that when you’re dating, avoiding «cheapskates» should mean steering clear of guys who are cheap emotionally, and not simply financially. Here are some measures of guys, and increasingly women, who have money but are real cheapskates: lack of offering choices, and domination of choices by the person paying; doing what one person wants time after time; failing to compliment your efforts to dress well or keep your home nicely.
Men, if this sounds like you, it doesn’t matter how much of your money you spend. You’re cheap.
In the last scene, it may not matter who has what. Nobody’s perfect, and the rich need love just like the poor. Most people may not want it rich—just hot.
Tags:dating tips, dating tips online, first dating, women dating
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