It’s a good idea to explore some of these sandbox relationships for another reason than their popularity. They’re important relationships because many of these dating relationships start in secret. This secrecy suggests a certain vulnerability. Emotional and economic vulnerability. That may well be the worst foundation for your long-term wellness.
So let’s start with the first (and often most) important potential dating relationships and see what secrets work and what secrets are really just skeletons.
SANDBOX #1 One study indicated that half of all marriages were based on relationships created through work. Small wonder that it’s true to say that marriage takes a lot of work. So, obviously, does dating.
The first sandbox playmate is often the trusted office friend. Now that men and women are working right on top of each other, they often develop new channels of advice. This is great because women and men can offer valuable perspectives and apparent objectivity. At least, they think they can. Very often, however, advice about an unhappy relationship is often the worst basis on which to start a sandbox relationship.
Someone who gives you advice about a break-up (or make-up, for that matter) is never, ever completely objective. They may be completely right, but they can’t be objective. Especially not objective at work: the minute you start discussing personal issues and needs with a co-worker, there’s an element of secrecy. Secrecy ruins objectivity. Secrecy is meant to increase trust, not objectivity. Objectivity can only truly, completely happen if someone doesn’t care one little bit about you.
If you think “you can handle the truth!”, then try this approach. Take your office friend somewhere private, and say (word for word) “I can handle the truth. I really want to hear the truth.” Then hold on: you’ll get the truth. But this is not for the weak-hearted.
The bottom line is that if you are seriously thinking of opening your heart to a co-worker, especially of the attractive opposite-sex variety, it’s better to begin on the basis of complete honesty.
So take secrecy for what it’s worth: the value you place in the friend you tell. Besides, your friend isn’t supposed to be objective.
Secrecy is also part of the thrill of office relationships, of any kind. But secrecy is not the same thing as privacy. You know how fun it is to get one over on the boss, right?
Frankly, the possibility of running around lustily naked in the conference room is a lot tastier than what Herbert puts in the office drinking water. Or the time I came in early and saw the accountant in women’s underwear. No, his name wasn’t Shirley.
The moral is that my accountant friend didn’t keep the line between his secret (he could have told someone in the office and been less ridiculed) and his privacy (actually having his privates being seen in the office).
Pssssssst…..DATE SOMEONE AT WORK ONLY IN 5 STAGES OF INCREASING INTIMACY
5. If you’re entertaining notions of a divorce, or running for President, remember that there are no secrets in the workplace. “Tell one, tell all” (Think Monica and her friend Linda).
4. When you do go public with a divorce, don’t advertise that you’re available: laugh that off. Act radically single. As you become single, people will start changing their reactions towards you. And if you’re a woman, OUCH! you’ll be subject to innuendo…from everyone. Avoid private lunches with potential dating partners. A very beautiful friend of mine found this out by going out with one person during her separation. She was literally flooded with pressure from male co-workers. It had a disastrous effect on her job.
3. If you get to the point pending your divorce that you just can’t (or really don’t want to) resist an office tryst, ignore the old advice about keeping it quiet. I don’t you mean you should announce it: but I do mean that you have to be prepared for disclosure. The question then becomes are you willing to take the risk? If so, live the moment completely.
2. If you’re divorcing, never ever have an office romance with someone else who is married. Or in other words: NEVER EVER. There’s no stage to this rule: it’s simple. Break this rule and you will suffer greatly. The bird of paradise will fly up your nose.
1. Be a good soldier: have an exit strategy for the office relationship. Once you start, give yourself a timetable. Six months is usually pretty good. Change jobs, hours, or move to Borneo to get away and start completely over, perhaps raising rainbow Macaws.
Tags:sandbox relationship, your own sandbox
