For love or money?Benjamin Franklin, who fathered upwards of 80 children, once said: «He who marries for love will have happy nights. He who marries for money will have happy days.» There seem to be almost insurmountable differences between men and women on issues of finance versus love.
After a divorce, at the very time when your hopes are low, and romance seems as dead as the Bride of Dracula, we meet one or two (or for the incurable romantic) 17 people we would like to bite in the neck. I mean that in a lusty way. We just worry about the costs, and so often, like Dracula, just love in vein.
Scientific studies have demonstrated that in America, for the last five decades, there are two reasons for couples to argue and split up: in order of importance, money and sex.
The unpleasant fact is that dating is expensive. I saw one study that estimated it would cost $25,000 from first date to mate. Then the man tries to get it all back during the marriage.
Men: know that it’s expensive for women even if they don’t pay for the dinner. New clothes, hair, and health club memberships. Plus, a woman’s time is money. It really adds up.
Sure enough, money has often taken on unwanted significance after a divorce. Security, always a female priority in a male-dominated society, is even more important. Ironically, money is just the opposite of what most of us really want to concentrate on: another’s smile. The word that many people use in dating after a divorce, however, is «realistic.» It’s a great word.
One of my best friends from South Florida did something I thought was very smart. She asked for (and got) a cash settlement in the divorce. She negotiated for the sum, taking less than she could have gotten in the longer term, with the idea of budgeting both her finances and her feelings. She literally budgeted for the possibility of meeting the right guy through dating as an itemized expense. Guess what?
It worked out very well for her. She was realistic. She structured her dating life to parallel a financial plan. But she was also slightly daring.
For men, still the trendsetter when it comes to paying for the seemingly all-important first date, money often becomes almost a pathological issue. I know a many-times married doctor who is obsessed with dating. He has always talked about how much he spent on such and such dinner, lunch, or the price of peanuts he fed to the lady squirrel at the park (well, not quite that bad). A neat man. Very interesting man. And a d-o-c-t-o-r. Very much the catch.
Yet this Doctor couldn’t get a yes even if he proposed to cure cancer. He has allowed himself to not only become traumatized by the financial costs of his divorces. Worse, he has allowed himself to inflict that trauma on how he views every other woman he cares for. The physician couldn’t heal himself.
No matter how wealthy the guy may remain after a divorce, he will almost certainly harbor resentments about how he was «taken to the cleaners.» Men, remember, value themselves by their work and net worth. ‘Providers’.
Women understandably feel ill-appreciated by men who are just too stupid to appreciate the value of commitment. ‘Nurturers’.
There’s no real right or wrong between these two very different «values» of dating. But it’s absolutely vital that you can somehow understand the other side’s material point of view. Here are several ways to see both how valued you are as a date and at the same time perhaps understand the fiscal differences between you as a couple.
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